The Hobbit: mean girls jokes and other useless things
by TheMaddBaggins
Summary: Basically a completely unrealistic highschool au. Warnings: male characters engaging in very not-manly activities (girly party games, gossiping, crushing, bitch-fighting), and it's very gay (significant LACK OF FEMALES in this universe) Parings: thranduilbo, smaugbo, thilbo, (most are one-sided, implied or assumed)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: mean girls is fetch and apparently math isn't

"Highschool.. Huh.."

Now, it is safe to assume that Bilbo Baggins was completely against the idea of actually going to an actual high school.

He was perfectly content with being homeschooled, but his mother, belladonna, said that he should get "Socialized"  
Which was obviously a reference to "Mean Girls".. Which is totally girly and no self respecting teenage male would...

Who was he kidding... Bilbo loved that movie.

Anyway... As he stood in front of his new-and-completely-unnecessary-school, he sighed and cursed that convenient and clever reference. Adjusting his backpack strap, he walked towards the door, hating the 'you must wear shoes at ALL TIMES!" rule and his sandals.

He walked into the school, attempting to avoid crowds of people, and found his locker. (He had his schedule and locker already, thank god) he dumped his stuff in it, and set off to find his first class,(once the bell rang) which was math...

And incredibly dull and not memorable at all. You probably know how math is if you go to Public school.  
So when the bell rang he was actually happy to get to his second period, much to his surprise. He liked math, but that was unbearable...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: enter a dragon, with a boredom complex?

"Science science science.." He muttered, frantically checking his schedule. "Ah, here it is"  
He stepped into the class right as the bell rang. Damn, he wasn't good at this yet.  
Finding classes that is. "In time," he told himself.

He looked around the room for a free table. He finally found a table with only one occupant.  
The occupant had yellow eyes and dark red hair, which was spiked, slightly hiding little horns. He was drawing in his notebook and looked totally bored.

Bilbo sat down across from him, trying not to make eye contact. The yellow eyes were unnerving him, and unfortunately they were staring right at him.

"Hi" he said, breaking the silence between them.

"Hello.." The yellow eyed boy said. "Who are you then? You're obviously new."

"I'm Bilbo.. And how do you know I'm new?"

"Heh, well. One: you came in looking at you schedule and school map. You could've been forgetful, but probably not. You didn't recognize anyone in this class, or at least you're not familiar with them. And I don't know who you are,Bilbo, and I know practically everyone. Three: you're wearing sandals. No one does that, so you probably don't know the fashion standards at this school" he took a breath and Bilbo looked at his sandals with added resentment. The other boy continued "lastly, you sat with me, no one does that. So you're either stupid, brave, or new. I'm betting on the last option... I'm Smaug, by the way"

Bilbo stared at Smaug. He was suddenly reminded of a tv show he was obsessed with called Sherlock. He wasn't going to lie, he had a huge fanboy crush on Benedict cumberbatch. But no one needed to know that. Especially not this Smaug, who seemed just as observant as Sherlock Holmes was.

"Maybe he watches the show" he thought to himself. He'd make a point to ask if Smaug turned out to be nice.

"Well, nice to meet you Smaug.. And you're right, I am new. And I agree, sandals are terrible. Unfortunately they're the closest I can get to barefoot."

Smaug snorted. "What does that mean, you'd rather go barefoot? Why in middle earth would you want to do that?"

Bilbo pouted. "I'm a hobbit, of course I would"

"Ah.. A hobbit.."

There was an awkward pause, then the teacher called the class to attention and told them to take notes on a video.

"There will be a quiz next Wednesday, so it's your loss if you don't take notes" the teacher (who's name was radagast, apparently) finished, his eyes glancing toward Smaug at that statement.

Smaug faked a look of surprise and confusion then rolled his eyes when Radagast looked away. "You're not actually going to take notes right? This class is easy!" He asked bilbo

Bilbo chuckled. "I see why he was talking to you. Pay attention, you may learn something."

Smaug stared. Then shrugged and went back to doodling in his notebook "meh, its boring"

-  
The video was in fact, a bit boring. But it was interesting and important information, so whenever Smaug tried to make conversation bilbo shushed him.

By the time the video was over, Smaug was flopped on the table, groaning. "bilbo pay attention to me" he said.

Bilbo stifled laughter and rolled his eyes.

"I hope you all took notes" radagast called to the class as they were packing up their notes and pencils. "The quiz is going to be really hard this time!"

"You hear that? 'Really hard' he said" bilbo said in a mocking tone. " you're in trouble now Smaug."

The dragon-boy glared at him, then pouted, blowing smoke out of his nostrils. "I'll just make shit up or something."

Bilbo sighed, and pulled his bag over his shoulder. "See you" he said, walking out when the bell rang.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: The 'welcoming committee'

"Man these school days are short" bilbo said to himself.

There were only three more periods plus lunch. Which just so happened to be after second period.  
Meaning: EXACTLY RIGHT NOW.

Bilbo walked to his locker, avoiding loud people and groups. He dunked his stuff in his locker and grabbed his lunch box. Then a horrible thought occurred to him: who the hell was he going to sit with?

The scene from mean girls were Cady sat in the bathroom stall came to his mind. He decided that was disgusting and unsanitary. He would NOT be doing that.  
Hopefully. Probably not.

"There's always Smaug..." He thought. "Although... Maybe not..."

He was contemplating that when he got to the cafeteria. He looked around for an empty table. To his surprise, even Smaug was siting with people. Which kinda made him question the "you sat with me" comment from earlier.  
Although, They didn't really look like a nice crowd. Smaug looked at them like they were peasants and he was an arrogant king.  
There was also a group of giggling girls sitting with him.

"Yeah, definantly not." He said to himself. So Bilbo continued to walk around looking for a spot.

Just when he was losing hope on finding an empty table, and resigning himself to a terrible fate of eating in the restroom (ew ew ew), two dwarfs approached him.

There was a blonde one and a brunette, and they looked pretty exited... Or at least the brunette did. The blonde one looked like he thought he was pretty hot stuff.

He was, in fact, pretty hot. So was the brunette. "Man... They're really attractive"

Bilbo wanted to slap himself.

"I'm fili, my brother here," the dwarf said, "is kili.. You're bilbo, right?"

Th one called kili grinned, "we're the welcoming committee!"

A voice shouted from across the cafeteria "There is no welcoming committee!"

Kili stuck his tongue out in the direction of the voice, "shut it Thranduil, there is now!" he yelled  
Bilbo chuckled nervously, feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused. Why were these dwarves speaking to him.

Fili rolled his eyes and laughed at his brother, "anyway, we aren't really a welcoming committee, but we noticed you in math earlier, and we figured that since you were new, if you didn't have any friends, you'd be lonely. So uh.. Do you wanna sit with us?"

Bilbo did a double take and stared at the dwarf. His message registered and the hobbit smiled and felt his face grow slightly warm. "Sure, I would love to.." He said, trying to to stammer or run away.

"Great! C'mon!" Kili exclaimed, dragging Bilbo off. Fili laughed and followed them.

Dwarves were extremely odd, bilbo decided.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four: the not so dramatic debut of Mr. Majestic

Getting dragged off by a hot dwarf was not something Bilbo expected to have happen to him on day one, but it did.

He managed to find his feet and walked alongside Fili and Kili, preferring this to being dragged. They were rapidly conversing with each other, but bilbo could only pick up a few words. Suddenly they stopped at a table and sat down. Bilbo followed suit.

There were two other dwarves. One of them had a hat and fingerless gloves, and he was laughing about something. the other one didn't seem that amused by whatever it was.  
"Thorin, bofur~! We have returned!" Kili said happily  
"And we brought Bilbo" Fili added in.  
"Hi" bilbo said quietly.

The one without the hat raised his eyebrows "so.. This is the hobbit?"  
Kili nodded,  
"Hey, my name is bilbo.." Bilbo put in, feeling a bit intimidated.  
"Hello bilbo!" The other dwarf said, extending his hand "I'm bofur, pleasure t' meet you! That's thorin" he pointed to the other dwarf with his other hand.  
Bilbo shook his hand and smiled.  
"What did thranduil have to say?" Thorin asked, practically sneering when he said the name.  
Kili, who unfortunately had just taken a bite of pizza, responded "he denied our welcoming committee"  
"That's disgusting" Fili muttered.  
Bofur laughed "you pulled that again?"  
Fili giggled "well, yeah, it works though"  
"Yep, the hobbit was all over us, he couldn't resist our charm"  
Thorin snorted and bilbo coughed up his sandwich.  
"He's probably so jealous of my majestic-ness" thorin said.  
"Who, bilbo?" Kili asked.  
Thorin put his face In his hands "no, kili. THRANDUIL..."  
"Oh.."  
Bofur rolled his eyes and grinned "oh yeah, you're waaaay more majestic than him. C'mon thorin, he's an elf." Thorin laughed sarcastically, any bofur continued "no one can compete with an elf."  
Fili shook his head, "Nah, thranduil has some majestic-ness, but he's more fabulous than majestic."  
"Don't talk like you like that elf scum! And like I said, he cannot compete with my majestic ness" thorin growled  
"Majesty, not majestic-ness" bilbo muttered.  
The dwarves all stared at bilbo, who took another bite of sandwich and shrugged.  
Bofur burst out laughing "I liked you bilbo! You're smart"  
Bilbo shrugged and laughed.

Okay, so far so good.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five: Dodgeballs + an angry dragon = total humiliation (for whom though?)

Notes: this chapter is immensely corny

Bilbo hung out with the dwarves for the rest of lunch, home room, and history, which they all conveniently had together.  
Bilbo made several observations about the four of them:  
Thorin was immensely proud, and seemed to think he was super majestic. He somehow managed to seem like a jock and a queen bee at the same time.  
Fili and kili were brothers, and thought they were hot stuff. They talked a lot about girls and sports. Fili was pretty cool, and kili was a goofball. Bilbo thought they were silly.  
Bofur was very supportive of bilbo in history when he didn't know stuff, and seemed to take a liking to bilbo. He talked less about how 'terrible' elves were and listened more.  
Bilbo enjoyed their company very much, and was a bit bummed out when bofur, kili and fili weren't in his gym class.

The bell rang for the last period of the day to start. For bilbo and thorin, this was gym.  
When they got to the gym, they were joined by one of thorins friends, dwalin. Dwalin and thorin were soon engrossed in their conversation (about sports or something), so bilbo looked around the room for anyone he could recognize.  
And of all people, there was Smaug.

Bilbo waved and Smaug grinned and strolled up to bilbo.  
"Hello again hobbit," he said, smirking. "Fancy seeing you here"  
"Well, it's not that unusual" bilbo shrugged "I have two classes with the same four people"  
"Ah," Smaug sniffed, shooting sparks.  
"So, I wanted to ask you," bilbo said.  
"What?"  
"Do you watch Sherlock?"  
Smaug opened his mouth, closed it, them his face broke into the biggest grin ever.  
"I love that show! How did you know?" He exclaimed  
Bilbo laughed " I love it too! I kinda figured when you 'deduced' all that stuff in science. You reminded me of Sherlock."  
Smaug smirked "I do try..so uh-"  
"Why are you talking to bilbo, scum?" Thorin interrupted.

Neither Smaug nor bilbo had noticed Thorin approach them, so they were both surprised. Bilbo jumped and Smaug grimaced.p  
"Thorin!" Bilbo exclaimed "wh-"  
Smaug cut him off "ah, oakenshield... I was simply responding to Bilbo's question, and we were having a rather pleasant conversation until you butted your head in where it doesn't belong,"  
Thorin glared, "what sort of question would he even have to ask you?"  
Smaug smirked, "he didn't ask me to prom, If that's what your worried about"  
Bilbo kept trying to get a word in, but he kept being interrupted. He was getting quite annoyed.  
Thorin snorted, "why would I care? And no one wants to go with you, slug."  
"Ha! Practically every girl in this school wants to go with me!"  
"That isn't much to brag about, there are only 15 girls in this school. And only 4 of them even like you. At least I don't just sit around getting fat watching tv"  
Smaug was about to reply with a scathing retort, when Bilbo nearly shouted: "EXCUSE ME!?"  
Thorin was clearly surprised, and Smaug crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows.  
"One, rude, both of you. Two, Thorin, I was having a conversation."  
Thorin stammered angrily "he's a bully, Bilbo! You shouldn't talk to him!"  
Smaug sneered "dwarves have no manners, it's no use. I can see that Thorin obviously wishes you to go with him, so why don't you just go stare into each others eyes romantically somewhere else." He turned on his heel and stormed away.  
Bilbo considered going after him, but Thorin grabbed his arm and started dragging him back to where dwalin was standing. Bilbo wrenched his arm away and walked ahead of the dwarf, trying (and failing) to not seem angry. Thorin didn't say anything.

They made it back to Dwalin when the gym teacher, a bear-like man named Beorn, blew his whistle, and called everyone to stand in a line.  
"Dodgeball," he said "now, one thing I must tell you before I put you into teams... Uh... Don't try to kill each other like last time." He gave Thorin and Smaug a look. Thorin glared and smaug made a mock surprise face (the same one from science) "now here are the teams:.."  
Beorn rattled off two lists, and people formed into teams.  
Bilbo ended up on a team with Smaug and no one else he recognized. Thorin and Dwalin were on the opposing team. This definitely wouldn't end well.  
Now nearly everyone knows that dodgeball is possibly one of the most chaotic games  
In middle earth when played by teenagers, but bilbo was one of the unfortunate souls who didn't know that.

The whistle blew and suddenly everyone was throwing things. And getting hit... And... Pretty much chaos.  
Smaug dodged out of the way of a few balls, ducking under someone and grabbing a ball that had landed on the floor. He spun around and hurled it at thorin, who swerved his heard out of the way and kicked two balls back at Smaug. Bilbo ran around avoiding getting crushed or hit, occasionally throwing a ball that landed far from its target. He was reaching for another ball when suddenly things felt hotter. He looked up and noticed flaming Dodgeballs flying towards the other team.  
Beorn was shouting at Smaug, who was lighting them on fire, then hurling them directly at thorins face. Thorin was enraged. He kept throwing them as hard as he could, but soon realized that he was just giving Smaug more ammo. Bilbo ran up to smaug and shouted, his voice forming a squeak. "Smaug! This is unsafe!"  
Smaug rolled his eyes. "Sorry, but safe isn't really what we're going for!"  
Bilbo started to say more, but he was interrupted by dwalin flying out of nowhere, tackling Smaug.  
Bilbo jumped out of the way and scrambled over to Beorn, who was still shouting at them to calm down. There was angry shouting from Smaug, thorin and dwalin, who seemed to be wrestling.  
Bilbo looked up at Beorn to say something, but before he could get anything out, he was hit hard In the face with a dodgeball.

And then everything blacked out

A/n: I'm not even sure what happened this chapter got out of control


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six: school nurses don't really help anyone do they. Seriously, where the heck are they.

When bilbo came to, he was laying on a cot in what appeared to be a nurses office. He sat up and a soggy paper towel fell into his lap.

"Yeah, that was supposed to be an icepack" a voice said.

Bilbo looked over across the room and saw dwalin and thorin sitting on a cot together and Smaug sitting on the floor, holding a bloody tissue to his nose.

The three of them looked terribly beat up. Bilbo sighed.

"Okay, please tell me that this isn't a normal thing?" He said, looking at the three of them with a look of mock concern

"Id is" Smaug said, muffled by his tissue. "These two can't control their tember"

Dwalin glared. "You threw FIREBALLS at us!"

Smaug shrugged and threw his tissue into the trash.

"It's not our fault your a psychopath" thorin spat

"I'm not a psychopath I'm a high functioning sociopath" Smaug said, winking at bilbo.

Bilbo resisted laughing and pretended to cough. It didn't really work and he saw Thorin glare at him then at Smaug.

"In all seriousness, where the fuck is the school nurse!?"


End file.
